Calculated Sanity

We human are interesting beings. We are easy to forget the goodness of others, while remembering every small mistakes others are making. We easily demand forgiveness, yet we insist in refusing to admit our mistakes. We easily blame others for any problem and deflect any blame cast upon us. If we stumble because of the stone, we blame the stone for being in our way instead of our own inability to avoid hitting the stone. Even after we fall, rise up, stumble, crawl up, we remain the same being that we are: people with short term memory who refuse to learn from our past mistakes. We demand perfection from others yet we often set the bar lower for ourselves. If anyone asks the reason, we simply blame it to our sinful nature, our pride, or one of our other stupid and often arrogant characteristics.

As I typed this, I wonder how much I had regretted my past when I was doing much better financially. I remembered how I often looked back into my childhood and asked why I did not have this or that. I was not very grateful toward my parents. True, I was raised in a large family where everybody did not have much, yet we at least eat three times a day. We hardly ate any lavish meals, everybody just ate a little yet it was enough to fill our stomachs.

As I grew older and learned to become independent myself, I realized that it was not an easy feat to do the same thing that my parents had done. Sometimes I could not even make enough money to bring food to the table and other times I wonder if I could even keep the table and the roof where I currently lived in. Despite all of these, I still refused to ask help from others. Why? Maybe because of my pride... Maybe because I am afraid of rejection... I don't know.

I heard the word "calculated sanity" during pastor Bill's prayer last Sunday, and that words echoed deeply in my heart in the past week. I did not know if pastor Bill was referring to me directly or to anybody else in the church but I am sure many people, many believers are living in the same way of style I am currently living, a calculated sanity.

God, help me.... Forgive me for being too stubborn and stiff-necked that I often refused to ask for helps from others. Bless me God, purify my heart so that it may be like Yours. Teach me to live my life the way You wanted me to be. Help me to obey and follow You faithfully and not begrudgingly. Take away my pride, calculated sanity and my unfaithfulness. Help me day by day Lord... Hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second.